Raise Your Glass: Stuck in the Twilight Saga SPECIAL EDITION! Read online



  Raise Your Glass: Stuck in the Twilight Saga SPECIAL EDITION!

  Written & copyrighted By: Keith Helinski, 2011.

  SUCK in the Twilight Saga - author's introduction

  Before I go on, and if you are new here, let me stress on one point - if you are a Twilight fan that easily gets offended, don't continue. I repeat, DON'T CONTINUE IF YOU ARE A TWILIGHT FAN. Why? Don't expect a fulfilling fan-fiction. Don't expect any praise for Stephenie Meyer. Don't expect me to pick a team between EDWARD or JACOB. And certainly don't expect a great story. I have been told this story is BAD. Though, there are degrees of bad (which I will get to shortly), this isn't bad-bad, just bad for Twilight fans. But I wanted to make sure I save some time and embarrassment for me (and you), so if the poorly written reviews that is attached to this story isn't enough for you to go away, I hope this disclaimer gives you a hint: IF YOU ARE A TWILIGHT FAN THAT A) THINKS TWILIGHT IS THE GREATEST THING ON EARTH AND B) DOES NOT HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, GO AWAY!

  Still with me?

  Cool.

  This ebook consists two VERY short stories. One is called RAISE YOUR GLASS, which is a very simple story about a guy, waiting in line at FYE, around midnight, for the release of a Twilight DVD for his girlfriend. He is surrounded by Twilight fans, but he is not a Twilight fan. That's the story. Short, sweet, to the point.

  Some readers got the humor. MOST readers, (the intended readers, I suppose), didn't find this story funny (which is apparent by their reviews). Some even got offended. Would it be much of a surprise if I told you, RAISE YOUR GLASS is very much based on a true story. I did indeed, stood in line at a FYE, waiting with Twi-nerds for New Moon. I did it out obligation to my ex. 99% of the dialogue came from real people’s mouths – not my imagination.

  The second VERY short story is a script I wrote a few years prior. It's even more satirical, and I would assume, was the story that got under people's skin the most. Oops!

  I released this baby last year around this time of year. It didn't get much of a reaction until 'Breaking Dawn: Part Uno' came out. THEN, hell was unleashed!

  As a writer in this self-publishing world, it's hard to predict how a story is perceived by readers. Some sell well. Some do not. And just the same, some of my stories sell well. Some do not. However, I had a good feeling about RAISE YOUR GLASS, and knew the kind of reaction I would get.

  This isn't a great story by any means, and I never intended it to be one. I just wanted to have some fun poking at one of the easiest targets in current pop culture: Twilight and the Twilight fans (and this was a year before the infamous breakup between Bella and Edward!) I had fun writing the story. I had fun publishing it. And I am having fun watching reader's reaction. I smile just as much when I read a negative review from a pissed off Twilight-er, especially the ones that criticize my criticism while spelling criticize wrong!

  I want to now share some of the wonderful-wonderful RAISE YOUR GLASS reviews. I want YOU to be sure if YOU still want to read this story. I haven't altered or edit any of these reviews. You can Google this story yourself and see, THESE reviews are real, I am assuming, from real people.

  ***

  I was expecting something fun and witty, not the case I'm afraid. Dull, short and boring. The best bit was reading the bad reviews. Don't waste your time readers.

  ***

  This book really was not good it makes fun of the twilight saga and Edward and Jacob as well I would not read this again

  ***

  Seriously I got as far as the 1st page and I put the book down and never looked at it again do not read seriously it is a WASTE of time

  ***

  Do not read it it cusses and is a waste of life and time!!!HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!

  ***

  Team Jacob. He is do much hotter than Edward. Lol. But who critizes a book by its cover before reading it. I havent read this book but have read all books and seeen three outa four books. Just by all of your reviews i can tell this guy is SOOOOOOOOOOO NOT NICCCCEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#!! :~)>

  ***

  Parody? No. A parady is "an imitation of the style of a particular writer, artist, or genre with deliberate exaggeration for comic effect." If you are looking for that in this book, you are in the wrong place. This is nothing short of a guy complaining for 8 pages.

  People fall into one of two categories - they love Twilight or the hate it. Twi-hard fans won't find interest in this because of the anti-twilight slant. Those who hate Twilight won't be interested because it is simply an 8-page whine about the books, the movies, and the people who enjoy them. And, the last thing someone who hates Twilight is going to do is read something else about it.

  At eight pages, this "book" isn't worth the 5 minutes it takes to read it.

  ***

  So you stood in a line...big deal.

  ***

  This is the stupidest thing ever since the God's made the world I wonder why the author was that was dumb enough

  [Author's note: this reviewer wrote this long-winded review with a five-star rating]

  ***

  I read this little book. If that's what you want to call it. Who ever wrote this need to grow up,because kids like these books. It's a teenagers book.These comments are not nice and stupid.SO GROW UP!!!!

  ***

  Pretty Dumb- I was very disappointed that I didn't check for previous reviews.

  It has very little to do with actual Twilight Saga information.

  It's definitely not even worth it being free. Do not recommend at all!

  ***

  It was just stupid. It's just a stereotypical "too cool to like Twight" book. I only read the first few lines.

  ***

  Team edward rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But the books author has no right to critisize. Because he didnt even read or watch the story.

  ***

  Clearly whoever wrote this (perhaps poor Ron) does not know how to read a book. Especially since all vampire book rip-off references were regurgitated from others who don't read. Annnd he pretends the purchase was for a girlfriend when clearly it was to analyze the phenomenon to find out how to get under age chicks. The over mention and concerns of petaphelia tries to mask who this person really is: an envious perve.

  ***

  Only took me about 15 minutes to read. It was kind of boring and not very well written.

  ***

  This book was a waste of time twilight is the best book seris i have ever read team jacob!

  ***

  I downloaded this ebook and found it to be boring and not very thoughtful. Of course I'm a fan of Stephenie Meyer's books: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn so I may be prejudiced.

  ***

  You know, as a fourteen year old, I would just let people talk their talk but this "book" seriously pissed me off. I am a pretty understanding person, and I get we all have our oppinions. Some good some bad. But no one, i repeat, no one has the right to crtisize a book/movie that is truly successful and makes millions of people fight tooth and nail for it. Stephanie m. Is a brilliant author. To have come up with such an amazing saga for the enjoyment of writeing and the happyness of her fans. And she dosent deserve your nasty citics on her work because you think it is retarded or pointless. So stop talking crap like old women and be greatful that these wonderful people are takeing their time to make a book/movie for you entertainment. If you have somet
hing to say, dont be such a butt about it.

  And stephanie if you ever see this, cudose to you for takeing all these peoples crap. I know you dont deserve it and you should know that too. :)

  ***

  Nobody is famous unless you have haters. That just prooves how famous stephine myer is. O and u haters suck it. I mean unless u read the book shut ur mouth. If u did read the book and didnt finish the series maybe u will grow 2 like it.

  ***

  I am not writing this because I like Twilight or Stephanie Meyer, I just think that the book itself had no point at all. It basically talked about some dude, doing a favor for his girlfriend by standing in line waiting for one of the Twilight movies. It is basically his rant about how the fans acted and reacted to each other. It is already known that young teenage girls act insane at the sight of Edward or Jacob, just as it was known when boy band groups are in town. My point is that if you are going to waste your time writing something that is to make fun of Twilight, make it better than this.

  ***

  I think that this book is a total waste of time. The twilight saga is a good series of books. This offended me cause i love the books. This person havnt even read the whole series and then go write a book about it to critisice the saga. I think this person should shut up. If this person didnt like the books then why would they read the second book or even finish the first book? Dont waste your time reading this book if you like the twilight saga. But if you hate the twilight saga then go ahead and read it but remember if you comment on this book then people are going to hate you more cause they go think you are a hater. And by the way i love both edward and jacob but i love edward the most. #proud of my comment

  ***

  The guy who wrote this (Keith Helinski) is one of those people who,in my opinion,needs to stop writing if this is all the sense he has.Okay lets just put it this way, this guy is pathetic when it comes to writing a story.If you are a Twilight fan I strongly suggest not to get this book because ITS A WASTE, OF YOUR TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If the writer just happens to see what everybody,especially what Ive written I hope he knows that the next time he writes a complaining book like this, that he needs to man up instead of acting like a little boy that has to watch it everyday. Keith get a life, a good one at that. Thats my advice to you.Okay honey.Peace.

  ***

  Crapy book critisizing epic twilight so this g o d am n idiot need to shut his f u c k i n g wide hobo a s s up or else i will punch the b i t c h y s h i t out of this retarded guy who only read TWILIGHT and NEW MOON and wrote this book which i would shove it up his a s s if i could

  (a hard cover)

  ***

  I didn't really get the point of this book. It didn't amuse me or annoy me. Quite simply, I found it rather boring.

  ***

  I'm a Twilight mom this book was written about. I have read all 4 books numerous times and enjoy than more each time. Yes I do know they are make believe, but still enjoyable. This book was just one guys rant about all us "Twi-hards". The only good thing I can say is that the book was very short and not hard to read.

  ***

  This book is just a bitter twilight hater being a douche. Not funny. Waste of time. Complete, total suck fest.

  ***

  Who does he think he is? How dare he insuly ths without even finishing the saga. That is bookist! Just because he doesn'like the series doesn't mean he needs to go and act like a little kid!

  ***

  I don't really know what to say, it was very short and somewhat immature. My eight year old son could write better than this! I would have loved to read about the "Twilight craze" from a mans point of view, it was a brilliant idea. How about from a husband of a fan, who is begged to join his wife and her best friend and husband on a double date at the midnight premier of the last 5 movies? Now that could be quite comical! Being a true fan of the series, I didn't appreciate the jabs at Stepenie Meyer. If this weir do would have actually sat down and read the books, he would see then just how amazing and talented she really is.

  ***

  First story okay, the rest is high school spew. Very graphic parody, not something I would read no matter the topic it had. Story of the young man in line was mildly amusing.

  ***

  Meh. This had the potential to be really funny but it fell a bit flat. Mainly because nothing happened. Just recapping a, frankly lame, exchange between two teenage Twihards wasn't enough for me. Frankly my husband could have written better as a Twilight widower. Shame really that it sucked, but at least it was an amazon freebie so no real harm done!!! Oh and nice and short so literally took 5 mins to get through.

  ***

  Um I am a huge fan of twilight but I don't go crazy when someone other than my brother insults twilight I just really hate it.

  This book is not the best twilight spoof out there by far I guarantee that you can find a better one than this

  VERY VERY glAd it is free

  ***

  Has no story line just rambles on and on about nothing that the books about..... the author talked about himself more than twilight

  ***

  You want a good parody don't buy this book it stinks! Vampires Suck and Breaking Wind they were funny The Simpson Tree House Of Horror Tweenlight was okay but this was just a few pages of "if you like Twilight don't read this" and bad reviews at the front good at the back and sandwiched in between a boring Waiting For The New Moon true story and a rubbish little Romeo and Juliet style balcony style parody conversation between Bella and Edward. This wouldn't even take an eight year old five minutes to read... Poor effort. I've yet to give such a poor review this didn't even deserve one star awful.

  ***

  I found the reviews included in the beginning, pretty amusing, as they were entirely rediculous. The first story of the guy waiting in line was okay, the superfans were halarious. However the second story was so terrible I couldn't bring myself to finish it. I asume the author thought it would be funny to write every idiotic joke there ever was about Edward and Bella, even if they were gross. I asume he thought it would be funny by misleading the reader when putting in a sarcastic little remark about how there was to only be that one cuss word. I know in this world, cussing doesn't seem to be a big deal, sick jokes are hardly ever frowned upon. I however, really don't appreciate it. :|

  ***

  Judging by these reviews, I proved a point within the story: Twilight fans are crazy in the head! I do have fun with some of these reviewers on Amazon and comment. One reviewer in particular ended up deleting her review because I kind of/sort of embarrassed her and her bad writing. Oops! I guess the point I am making here, RE-READ YOUR REVIEW BEFORE YOU POST IT FOR ALL TO SEE!

  RAISE YOUR GLASS did get some praise, which I will save at the end of this ebook. I hope-hope-hope, if you've read this far, continue on (instead of refunding a FREE STORY, or adding to the nonsense of BAD REVIEWS (which I post on my FB page, Wastin' Away Press blog, AND update here in this ebook). In fact, I hope you are one of the few lucky ones that LOLs.

  Thank you,

  K.H.

  ***

  To Kevin ‘Joker’ Bruinsma, the biggest anti-Twilight fan around.

  There is nothing more tortuous than being stuck at a place you do not want to be at (or, perhaps, do not belong). As life enjoys mocking the innocent, there is something quite tedious over the notion of doing something equivalent to pulling teeth for a loved one. That can be said about Ron, the hero to men everywhere. He risked his own sanity for his significant other. He did it with courage, patience, and daring diligence. In fact, he deserves a medal of recognition for his decency. Next time you go to the bar, drink to Sir Ron: the man of all men.

  You see; Ron did a real good deed for his woman. He drove to the nearest mall and waited in line for what seemed like hours late one night. No, it was not Black Friday. And no, it was not your typical line up of people. You are probably thinking, ‘who cares, what makes him so special?’ We
ll my friends, poor old Ron stood in a line at FYE, waiting for the newest Twilight movie to be released on DVD.

  As poor Ron walked into the store, footage of the Twilight movies was showing on the television screens mounted on the walls. As you guessed it, there was a line up of tween girls with TEAM JACOB and TEAM EDWARD shirts. And as predicted, their mothers accompanied them, also in TEAM JACOB and TEAM EDWARD shirts. It was pretty even with the amount of cougars and tweens. Hmmm…you wonder what would happen if dads and their sons had the same enthusiasm for the next Miley Cyrus flick? TEAM double standards, all the way!

  Ron, poor-poor Ron, stood in line. No fast pass could get him out of this. He was there, whether he liked it or not! TEAM EDWARD fan was in front of him. TEAM JACOB fan got behind him. And without even a warning, referee, or time out; friction emerged between the two teams.

  “Jacob SUCKS!” Team Edward fan said.

  “Edward SUCKS! Literally, he sucks!” Team Jacob fan said.

  “Oh yeah, Bella chooses Edward! Now why is that, I wonder? It’s because Edward is a REAL MAN!” Team Edward fan said.